HELLO HEX

HELLO EVERYONE, HEX BLACKTHORNE HAS BEEN PRETTY BUSY LATELY BUT HE WANTS YOU TO KNOW HE STILL LOVES YOU ALL. ESPECIALLY THE PERSON WHO LEFT THE NASTY TROLL ON MY LAST POST THAT HEX DELETED INSTEAD OF PUBLISHING. OH, THAT PERSON WAS IN THE CHICAGO METRO BTW SO IF YOU KNOW ANYONE THERE WHO IS BEING A JERK GIVE THEM A HUG FOR HEX IN CASE THEY ARE HEX’S TROLL

TODAY HEX IS GOING TO BEGIN HIS LONG AWAITED SERIES ON HEX’S FRIENDS, THE GOREANS. WHERE DID GOREANS COME FROM, YOU MAY ASK? ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE FROM SECOND LIFE YOU MIGHT WONDER THIS BECAUSE IN SOME QUARTERS THERE SEEM TO BE MORE GOREANS THAN STARS IN THE NIGHT SKY.

THE ANSWER IS: OUTER SPACE!

HEX HAS DETERMINED THAT GOR IS LOCATED ON A ‘COUNTER EARTH’ THAT REVOLVES AROUND THE SUN OPPOSITE FROM THE EARTH. THIS COUNTER EARTH WAS CREATED BY THE HIGH EVOLUTIONARY (WHO SOMETIMES MASQUADES AS ‘THE COLONEL’) IN THE 70S TO HOUSE HIS CREATIONS, THE INSECTLIKE PRIEST-KINGS OF GOR.

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SOME PEOPLE SAY THAT HEX BLACKTHORNE IS A LITTLE WEIRD. THIS COULD VERY WELL BE TRUE. WHEN HE WAS 13, HEX DID DIP HIS JUNK IN SWEET AND SOUR SAUCE BEFORE ENGAGING IN SELF LOVE, BUT ALL IN ALL HEX IS VERY SANE AND WELL ADJUSTED COMPARED TO SOME PEOPLE IN OUR SOCIETY

THESE PEOPLE HAVE BEEN ANATHEMA TO REGULAR FOLKS SINCE THE ADVENT OF INDOOR PLUMBING BACK WHEN HEX’S MOM, MABEL ‘LEFT EYE’ BLACKTHORNE WAS PLAYING THE PART OF MARY MAGDALENE FOR THE LOCAL PRODUCTION OF RAPTOR JESUS, SUPERSTAR.

NO, NO, HEX IS NOT TALKING ABOUT THE POLYPHONIC SPREE. NO, HEX BLACKTHORNE IS TALKING ABOUT THE OTHER POX ON HUMAN (AND RAPTOR) KIND, DUDES WHO START CONVERSATIONS IN THE BATHROOM.

NOW MAYBE IT IS OK TO DO THIS IN COUNTRIES OTHER THAN AMERICA, BUT HEX HAS ONLY BEEN TO CANADA, THREE TIMES, TO SEE STRIPERS ARE CLUB SUPER SEX IN MONTREAL, SO HE DOESN’T KNOW A LOT ABOUT THE WIDER WORLD, BUT HE DOES KNOW THAT IF YOU SEE WARTS ON THE STRIPPER TO NOT TOUCH THEM, OK, WARTS ON STRIPPERS ARE BAD.

OK BUT ANYWAY STOP DISTRACTING HEX. THE PEOPLE HE IS TALKING ABOUT WHO ARE DEFINATELY WEIRD ARE DUDES WHO START CONVERSATIONS. WHEN MOSES CAME DOWN FROM RECIEVING THE COMMANDMENTS ON DENALI FROM GEORGE BURNS HE CAME DOWN WITH 3 TABLES, BUT ONE GOT BLOWN UP WHEN HE GOT REALLY MAD THAT THE REST OF THE ISREALITES HAD DRANK THE LAST OF THE MILK AND THEN PUT THE EMPTY CARTON IN THE FRIDGE, BECAUSE THAT REALLY PISSES A GUY OFF, OK, BUT THERE WAS AN IMPORTANT COMMANDMENT THAT GOT LOST WHEN HE BLEW THAT UP

“THOU SHALT NOT TALK TO OTHER DUDES IN THE BATHROOM”

ALSO ON THE TABLE WAS SOME OTHER STUFF TOO THAT SOME OF THE GNOSTIC GOSPELS REVISITED BUT THAT IS BESIDES THE POINT!!!!!!!!!

ANYWAY, SO GOD HIMSELF, IN THE FORM OF GEORGE BURNS, TOLD US NOT TO TALK TO OTHER DUDES IN THE BATHROOM. THE REASON FOR THIS IS EVERY TIME YOU TALK TO ANOTHER DUDE IN THE BATHROOM, WHAT YOU SAY ECHOES THROUGH SPACE AND TIME, AND COULD BE HEARD BY A CREATURE SO TERRIBLE, SO HIDEOUS, AND SO INSANE THAT IT MAKES EVEN THE DUDES WHO START THE CONVERSATIONS LOOK NORMAL

YOU MIGHT THINK HE’S BEEN INCARCERATED, BUT THIS TERRIBLE GOBLIN CAN TRAVEL OUTSIDE THE BOUNDS OF SPACE AND TIME, WHERE HE WILL BLOW A HOLE IN YOUR HEAD, THEN USE IT AS A BONGO FOR THE NEXT ALBUM HE PRODUCES, WHICH WILL BE IN HELL, AT LEAST.

OK SO YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED, OK? TALKING IN THE BATHROOM MEANS YOU RISK GETTING KILLED BY PHIL SPECTOR, THE BATHROOM GOBLIN. PLEASE DON’T DO IT! IT’S WEIRD AND DANGEROUS! THANK YOU OK BYE.

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HEX HOPES EVERYONE’S EASTER WAS WONDERFUL. HEX, UNFORTUNATELY, HAD A NOT-SO-WONDERFUL EASTER BECAUSE OF INTERNET TROLLS.

HEX IS REPOSTING THE TROLL’S MESSAGE BELOW VIA A SCREENSHOT BECAUSE SCREENSHOTS PROVIDE BOTH IRREFUTABLE PROOF WE HAVE THE TROLL’S IP ADDRESS, WHICH STANDS FOR ‘INTERNET POLYDACTYLY’ WHICH MEANS THE PERSON WHO INVENTED THE INTERNET HAD 6 FINGERS. THAT MEANS THAT AN IP ADDRESS IS EVEN BETTER THAN NORMAL FINGERPRINTS BECAUSE IT’S LIKE THE FINGERPRINTS FROM 6 FINGERS. ALSO IT PROVES SOMEONE AT THIS ADDRESS WAS PRETENDING TO BE SOMEONE ELSE, IN THIS CASE ROM, HEX’S DAD, WHICH IS PUNISHABLE BY DEATH ON GALADOR, ROM’S HOME PLANET, SO YOU HAVE MESSED WITH THE WRONG TOTALLY AWESOME PEOPLE.

HEX HAS ALREADY CONTACTED THE TROLL’S ISP VIA EMAIL, WHICH HE DISCOVERED WAS ‘LOCALHOST’ WHEN HE DID AN DNS TRACE OF THIS ADDRESS, AND LOCALHOST IS A VERY GOOD ISP BECAUSE HEX USES IT TOO AND HE IS SURE THEY WILL UNMASK THE CULPRIT FOR HEX AND THEN HEX WILL SIC HIS INTERNET LAWYERS ON THEM. AND THEN THEY WILL BE SORRY FOR MAKING HEX CRY ALL OVER HIS STARBURST JELLY BEANS.

PLEASE REMEMBER THAT BEFORE YOU POST EVIL, VILE, HATEFUL THINGS LIKE THIS THAT THERE ARE REAL PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET, OK? THANK YOU.

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OK EVERYONE SO THIS IS ONE OF HEX’S FAVORITE TIMES OF THE YEAR BECAUSE HEX LOVES CANDY SO HE WILL EXPLAIN JESUS TO YOU

A LONG TIME AGO, IN A COUNTRY FAR FAR AWAY, JESUS WAS BORN.

BEFORE THAT, JOHN THE SOUTHERN BAPTIST WAS BORN AND HE WROTE THE OLD TESTAMENT. THE OLD TESTAMENT WAS DEFECTIVE BECAUSE CANDY HAD NOT BEEN INVENTED YET, SO WHEN JOHN GOT TIRED HE WROTE SILLY THINGS ABOUT SHELLFISH AND GUYS WHO LIKE TO BUGGER EACH OTHER BECAUSE JOHN MIGHT HAVE BEEN BUGGERED AGAINST HIS WILL BY A ROMAN OR SAMSON (ONE OF THE FIRST SUPERHEROES WHO FELL ON HARD TIMES AFTER HE CUT HIS MULLET BUT THAT IS ANOTHER STORY) BUT HEX AGREES THAT SHELLFISH IS TOTALLY AN ABOMINATION SO HE COULD NOT HAVE ALL BEEN WRONG

ANYWAY, JESUS WAS BORN TO MARY, WHO WAS A VIRGIN. SOME PEOPLE SAY THAT MARY WAS MARRIED TO JOSEPH, A CARPENTER, BUT THIS IS NOT TRUE. MARY WAS MARRIED TO HAN SOLO, A SPACE PIRATE. HAN CAME TO EARTH TO SEEK THE HELP OF ROM THE SPACE KNIGHT (HEX’S DAD!) TO FIGHT THE EMPIRE AND DARTH VADER BUT HAN DID NOT REALIZE THAT TIME WAS LINEAR AND THAT IT WOULD BE A COUPLE THOUSAND YEARS BEFORE ROM MADE IT TO EARTH. ANYWAY, MARY WAS REALLY FINE AND HAN DECIDED TO HELP HER OUT BECAUSE SHE WAS TOTALLY PREGGERS AND THAT WAS WHY JESUS WAS SUCH A RABBLE ROUSER WHEN HE GOT OLDER, BECAUSE IT LEARNED IT FROM HAN!

WHEN JESUS WAS BORN (IN THE MANAGER’S OFFICE OF HARDEE’S, HEX THINKS) 3 WISE MEN CAME TO VISIT AND GAVE HIM GIFTS. PEOPLE SAY THAT THE 3 WISE MEN GAVE JESUS (OR J-DAWG AS HIS FRIENDS CALLED HIM) GOLD, FRANKENSENSE, AND MUR. THIS IS WRONG, WHAT THE WISE MEN GAVE HIM IN ORDER WAS

1> A ROM ACTION FIGURE. THE FIRST OF THE 3 WISE MEN WAS TOTALLY A TIME TRAVELLER AND BOUGHT A LOT OF ROM ACTION FIGURES TO GIVE TO PEOPLE THROUGHOUT TIME. YAY ROM YAY HEX’S DAD YAY TIME TRAVEL

2> PATCHOULI INSENSE. WISE MEN KNEW THAT JESUS WOULD BE TRAVELING AROUND A LOT AND WOULD SMELL BAD, SO A LOT LIKE THE WOOKIES WHO FOLLOW PHISH IT WOULD BE IMPORTANT TO COVER UP HIS STANK SO HE COULD GET FINE LADIES LIKE MARY, WHO WAS TOTALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO BANGING HAN SOLO NOW THAT SHE’D POPPED OUT THE KID.

3> CANDY. THE FINAL WISE MAN GAVE JESUS CANDY. THIS WAS BEFORE FREDDY KRUEGER WAS INVENTED SO NO ONE CHECKED THE CANDY FOR RAZOR BLADES OR NEEDLES WHICH IS FINE BECAUSE JESUS WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN HURT ANYWAY. THE CANDY WAS CADBURY CREME EGGS AND BLAND JELLY BEANS THAT THE WISE MAN GOT AT WALGREENS BECAUSE HE FORGOT CHRISTMAS WAS COMING UP AND IT WAS ON SALE

JESUS GREW UP FAST, SO BY THE NEXT PAGE IN THE BIBLE HE WAS THINKING ABOUT HIS BAR MITZVAH BUT HE WAS ALSO REMEMBERED THOSE JELLY BEANS AND THOUGHT THEY WERE SORTA LAME AND BLAND. HE KNEW HE COULD DO BETTER, AND WOULD BUT NOT YET BECAUSE HE HAD A LOT OF SHIT TO DO.

ANYWAY, FAST FORWARD LIKE 200 YEARS AND JESUS WAS DYING ON THE CROSS BECAUSE THE EMPEROR PALPATINE HAD COLLUDED WITH ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER TO TIE JESUS UP TO A CROSS AND TICKLE TORTURE HIM UNTIL HE PEED. A COUPLE KIDS DID THAT TO HEX ONCE AND HEX DID NOT PEE, BECAUSE HEX’S MOM HAD BEEN DENYING HIM FOOD AND WATER, BECAUSE HE HAD BEEN SMOKING CIGARETTES AND DRINKING GENNY CREAM ALE BECAUSE IT IS THE BEST DIET FOR GROWING 12 YEAR OLDS LIKE HEX AT LEAST ACCORDING TO HEX’S FRIENDS ABE THE HOBO AND AL THE SEX OFFENDER

WHEN JESUS WOULD NOT PEE, ONE OF THE ROMAN CENTURIONS STARTED ROUGHHOUSING AND PUNCHED JESUS IN THE SIDE WITH A SPEAR. *AND THAT IS WHEN THE MIRACLE HAPPENED*. OUT OF JESUS SIDE STARBURST JELLY BEANS POURED OUT, BECAUSE JESUS HAD BEEN THINKING REALLY HARD ABOUT JELLY BEANS FOR THOSE 200 YEARS AND HE DECIDED THAT STARBURST FLAVORED JELLY BEANS WERE THE BEST SOLUTION TO BLAND JELLY BEANS, AND SO HE CREATED A PINATA THAT LOOKED LIKE HIM FILLED WITH THESE JELLY BEANS AND THAT’S WHAT THEY WERE TICKLE TORTURING.

THEN 3 DAYS LATER J-DAWG CAME OUT OF HIDING AND TOLD THE SECRET OF MAKING THE JELLY BEANS TO THE CADBURY-MARS CORPORATION. THE END.

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HELLO EVERYONE

HEX HAS BEEN THINKING AND THINKS THAT HIS MENTAL SCOPE OF FOCUSING ON SECOND LIFE IS TOO NARROW. FROM NOW ON, YOU SHOULD CONSIDER HELLOHEX.COM AS YOUR ONE STOP SHOP FOR ALL THINGS AWESOME BOTH IN SECOND LIFE, MEATSPACE, AND THE INTERNET IN GENERAL.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR LOYALTY TO HELLOHEX.COM BOTH NOW AND IN THE FUTURE.

PS HEX’S POST ABOUT GOREANS IS STILL COMING. IT HAS BEEN VERY HARD TO WRITE BECAUSE THERE IS JUST SO MUCH ABOUT GOREANS THAT IS TOTALLY AWESOME ITS HARD TO WRITE A GOOD ARTICLE

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ONE THING THAT PEOPLE NOTICE ABOUT HEX IS HOW FRIENDLY HE IS AND HOW MANY FRIENDS HE HAS. THEN THEY ASK HEX, ‘HOW DO YOU HAVE SO MANY FRIENDS, HEX BLACKTHORNE?’

MAKING FRIENDS USED TO BE VERY DIFFICULT FOR HEX. HE WAS ALWAYS A LITTLE DIFFERENT FROM THE OTHER KIDS AND AS YOU CAN IMAGINE, KIDS DID NOT REACT VERY WELL. THEY ARE A COWARDLY SUPERSTITIOUS LOT.

BUT EVENTUALLY HEX GOT LOTS OF FRIENDS, HERE IS HIS TIPS!

1> DO NOT TALK ABOUT YOUR DAD IF HE IS REALLY COOL.

HEX USED TO TELL ALL THE KIDS AT SCHOOL ABOUT HIS DAD, ROM THE SPACE KNIGHT. THEY USED TO LAUGH AND MAKE FUN OF HEX TELLING HIM THAT HE WAS A LIAR AND DELUDED AND CRUEL THINGS LIKE THAT. WHEN HEX TRANSFERED TO A NEW SCHOOL, HE STARTED TELLING ALL THE KIDS HIS  DAD WAS JOE,  THE CUSTODIAN, BECAUSE JOE LOOKED A LOT LIKE HEX AND HEXS MOM HAD HIM OVER FOR DRINKS QUITE A BIT. JOE ALSO GOT HEX FREE TUITION AT ST JUDES SCHOOL FOR SOME REASON. ANYWAY, KIDS THOUGHT THAT WAS COOL BECAUSE JANITORS ARE THE COOLEST GUYS IN THE WORLD WHEN YOU’RE IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.

2> SHARING IS IMPORTANT

HEX HAD A LOT OF COMIC BOOKS AND OFTEN THE KIDS WOULD BEAT HEX UP AND TAKE THEM AWAY AND READ THEM AND NEVER GIVE THEM BACK.

THESE WERE REALLY COOL COMIC BOOKS LIKE IRON MAN AND XMEN AND LOSING THEM WAS PRETTY UPSETTING FOR HEX. BUT HEX ALSO UNDERSTOOD THAT COMIC BOOKS WERE TOTALLY AWESOME AND IF HE WAS A COOL KID HE WOULD BEAT UP HEX AND TAKE HIS COMICBOOKS TOO.

HEX DECIDED TO SAHRE HIS COMIC BOOKS WITH ANYONE WHO ASKED, BUT HEX ONLY STARTED BRINING THE LAMEST COMIC BOOKS WITH HIM, LIKE POWER PACK OR PETER PORKER, SPIDER HAM, AND THE OCCASIONAL AQUAMAN. ACTUALLY AQUAMAN IS AWESOME BUT THE COMICS DEPICTIONS OF ARE USUALLY PRETTY BAD.

DO NOT LOOK AT HEX LIKE THAT. JOE WAS NOT HEX’S DAD. HEX’S DAD WAS ROM THE SPACE KNIGHT! ROM THE SPACE KNIGHT! ROM ROM ROM! JOE YOU NEVER LOVED MY MOM BUT ROM LOVED HEX’S MOM YES HE DID AND HE LOVED HEX BUT HE HAD TO FIGHT THE DIRE WRAITHS AND YOU WERE JUST A STAND IN DAD, OK?

OK HEX FORGETS WHAT ELSE HE WAS GOING TO SAY SO BYE FOR NOW.

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HEX BLACKTHORNE IS ALSO ON TWITTER. YOU MAY FOLLOW HIM AS HELLOHEX OK?

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FEEDBACK IS VERY IMPORTANT FOR BLOGS, AS THE INTERNET IS A READ/WRITE MEDIUM AS SOME PEOPLE SAY. THAT SAID HEX BLACKTHORNE INVITES YOU TO PROVIDE FEEDBACK A NUMBER OF WAYS ON SO THAT YOU, THE READER, MAY ENGAGE IN DIALOG WITH US.

THE FIRST AND MOST OBVIOUS WAY IS TO LEAVE A COMMENT ON HELLOHEX.COM WE DO NOT REQUIRE REGISTRATION AND WHILE YOUR COMMENT MAY BE HELD FOR MEDITATION HEX WILL READ IT SO USE A REAL EMAIL ADDRESS IF YOU WANT HEX TO TALK AT YOU.

YOU MAY ALSO EMAIL HEX AT THIS WEBSITE. HEX THINKS THAT IS A GOOD WAY TO NOT GET THE ADDRESS SPAM HARVESTED BUT IF IT IS SPAM HARVESTED PLEASE DO NOT SEND SPAM ABOUT ENLARGING ANYTHING AS HEX IS QUITE LARGE ENOUGH THANK YOU YES IT IS QUITE STUNNING TO BEHOLD.

OH AND IF YOU SEND HEX EMAIL HE HAS THE RIGHT TO POST IT SO PLEASE DO NOT SEND PRIVATE MESSAGES.

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